


A Dozen Trails

by grey853



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Spoilers for "Nature of the Beast"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-09
Updated: 2012-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-18 07:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/558310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/grey853
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tony's been injured and loses his memory, he comes to stay with Gibbs to recover.  He finds that his secret feelings for Gibbs might not be quite so secret after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Dozen Trails

No memory is ever alone; it's at the end of a trail of memories, a dozen trails that each have their own association. Louis L'Amour 

 

Ducky wiped his mouth and put his napkin down on the table as he studied his companion. He sipped the red wine and waited. After a few more moments of silence, he asked, "Where are you, Jethro?"

"Nowhere special." Gibbs picked up his glass and drained the bourbon before pouring himself another. "That was a fine steak, Duck, thanks. I know it was short notice."

"You ate so quickly, I'm surprised you even tasted it."

Gibbs lifted his head and met his friend's concerned stare. "I warned you I'd be lousy company when I called."

"So you did, my friend, so you did." 

"I'm only here now because Rachel threw me out while she talked to Tony. Apparently I get in the way of his therapy." He snapped out the last few words with impatience before he polished off his drink.

"He's going to be fine, Jethro."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

Gibbs crossed his arms and shrugged. "Physically he'll be fine. I'm not so sure about the other."

"What's your concern? You said his memory is returning."

"It's still spotty as hell."

"Trauma can be terribly detrimental to the memory, Jethro. You of all people should know that."

Gibbs flashed back to his days soon after the explosion that nearly killed him and cost him his own memory. He'd run off to Mexico, fighting to keep his sanity despite the flood of heartache when they slowly returned. Reluctantly, he nodded. "I do."

"Kate's sister is quite qualified and proficient. He trusts her, well, as much as he trusts anyone except you."

Gibbs frowned. "What's that supposed to mean, Duck?"

"You know Anthony quite well, my friend."

"I do."

"Then you know he's profoundly cautious when it comes to trusting anyone except you. That includes not trusting his own instincts."

Gibbs sighed to himself and got up from the small table. He went to stand by the window and looked out over the city. There was a gorgeous nighttime view from Ducky's brownstone, but he saw very little of it. What he saw instead was the unconscious form of his senior agent in that dark alley. He closed his eyes tightly and pushed the image away. "He could've been killed, Duck."

"But he wasn't. He was wearing a vest, something that a few years ago he might not have done. He is growing up, our Anthony, being a little less casual about his own safety. I, for one, am quite pleased by his progress."

"He should never have been there. He should've called me."

"And told you what, Jethro? He was doing his job."

"Without me, God damn it!"

Ducky appeared beside him and touched Gibbs's elbow gently. "He's alive, Jethro, and with your help, he'll recover completely and remain that way."

Anger welled up as Gibbs turned away and paced. "I warned him about her. I told him it was a bad idea to date a coworker, but he wouldn't listen. Now look. He's in the hospital with his brains scrambled."

"I hope you don't plan to tell him I told you so. Anthony is no doubt doing that for himself."

"He damn well should be."

Ducky's voice lowered to a whisper, but remained firm with his reprimand. "You can't expect him to be a monk, Jethro, not when you won't give him what he needs, what you both need."

"Don't start, Duck," he snapped. Gibbs was too tired to tackle the old argument between them.

"You're being unfair to the boy. He loves you and yet you refuse to tell him how you feel. Tony needs a life. You should either reveal your feelings or let him go."

His jaw clenched, Gibbs resented the truth behind his friend's words. "I can't."

"It's been nearly ten years, Jethro." Ducky touched his friend's shoulder. "You're the bravest man I know. You've risked your life countless times to save others, would do it again without hesitation. Why can't you risk this?"

"You know why." 

"Tell me, Jethro. Convince me that it would be wrong to be happy with this man who loves you more than his own life. If you can do that, I'll never broach the subject again."

Gibbs pulled away and shook his head. "It can't happen, you know that. You know what I'm like. I've ruined every romantic relationship I've ever had. I can't take a chance of losing him like the rest."

"You forget, my dear friend, that Anthony knows what you're like, too, yet he remains by your side ever hopeful."

"Not when he was fucking Barrett."

Ducky's eyes narrowed as if he'd just solved a puzzle. "Ah, so you were jealous. I thought as much."

"It's not that." Gibbs crossed his arms, annoyed that Ducky knew him so damn well.

"Then explain it to me."

"She wasn't right for him."

"And who would be right for him, Jethro? I seriously doubt anyone would ever qualify if it were left to your lofty judgments." Ducky's voice softened again. "He gets lonely. So do you. Do something about it. Do the right thing."

"He'd hate me in the end."

"I seriously doubt that. He loves you. One would have to be blind not to see it."

"It's complicated."

"Love always is." 

The sadness in his friend's voice brought Gibbs up short. "I'm sorry, Duck. I know it's been hard on you lately."

"Mother is in a better place, and I don't want to talk about my own love life, or the lack of one. You're deflecting."

"I'm concerned for a friend."

"Don't be. I'm fine. You, on the other hand, need to make some hard decisions. Either tell him the truth or set him free. It's time."

Gibbs couldn't help but grin at Ducky's stubborn insistence. "You never give up."

"I've learned from the best, Jethro."

&&&&&&&

"You don't have to do this. I'm fine, Boss."

"You're not fine. Now shut up and get in the car."

"Sure thing, Gibbs." Tony opened the door and climbed in as his boss settled into the driver's side. When Gibbs hesitated to put the key in the ignition, Tony asked, "Everything okay?"

"Okay? You nearly got yourself killed, DiNozzo. What's okay about that?"

Tony went rigid as he stared through the windshield, his face heated. "Maybe this isn't a good idea after all. Maybe I should just go back to my place."

Gibbs took a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke. "You're going home over my dead body. Now buckle your seatbelt." As Tony reluctantly obeyed, Gibbs added, "You'll be on light duty when you go back."

"When will that be?"

"Don't know yet, but not until the doctors clear you."

"Psych, too?"

"Psych, too."

"Great. Just great."

"You're going to be okay, Tony."

"You think?"

"I know." Gibbs started the car and added, "Abby got some of your things and took them to my place."

"That's good."

"Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"You hungry?"

"You buying?"

"This one time."

Tony grinned, "Hospital food leaves a lot to be desired. I could go for a steak. How about you?"

"I can handle that."

&&&&&&&

"That was pretty good, Boss, not as good as yours, but close." Tony settled on the couch, his body complaining about moving too fast. He closed his eyes briefly against the dizziness, one of the fun side effects from having his head bashed again.

"Mario grills a great T-bone."

"That he does. How did you two meet? You never said."

Gibbs took his time and finished lighting the fireplace before settling onto the sofa beside Tony. "I trained his son."

"Mario has a son?"

"He died in the Gulf."

Tony cleared his throat, suddenly very tired. It seemed like everywhere he turned someone was dead or dying. "That sucks. I didn't know."

"He doesn't talk about it."

"Can't blame him." Tony stayed quiet, looking at the flames, wondering what it would be like to lose a child, to go through what Gibbs and Mario both experienced. It made his gut hurt to imagine the grief they suffered.

"You need to rest. The bed is made up."

Tony shook his head. He was in no hurry to sleep, to fight off the flood of bad dreams again. "Not yet."

"Okay."

They sat quietly for a few more minutes before Tony mustered up the nerve to speak. "I should've listened to you about E.J."

"Yeah, you should have."

"Is this where you say I told you so?"

"I didn't say it."

"You thought it."

"Thinking and saying are two different things."

"Good thing usually."

Gibbs shrugged. "Yeah, usually, not always."

"What's that mean?"

"Things go unsaid sometimes, things that should be spoken."

Tony frowned, his head throbbing from the concussion. "Like what?"

"Doesn't matter." Gibbs hesitated before he added, "We didn't find her body and there wasn't that much blood at the scene. She might still be alive."

"Maybe." Tony took a deep breath and pushed down his anger and confusion. He used a half-hearted Ricky Ricardo voice even though he figured the real joke was on him. "If she's alive, she's got a lot of 'splainin' to do."

Gibbs studied Tony for several moments, ignoring the weak attempt at humor, before he asked, "You think she set you up?"

Tony's jaw tightened, the grim reality of what happened settling into place. "No, but she left me there to die."

"Maybe she couldn't stay. Maybe she thought you were dead."

"And maybe I was a patsy one more time."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened."

"Who else do I blame? I was blind to what was really going on."

"It happens to the best of us."

Tony paused before he asked, "It happened to you?"

Gibbs sighed and shook his head as if to ward off bad memories. "Oh, yeah, more than once. The point is, you learn from it and move on."

"Easier said than done." Tony cleared his throat, keeping his eyes on the fire, not ready to meet Gibbs's blue stare. "I thought she was the one, Boss, I really did. I thought I finally found someone I could stick with, someone who really cared about me for me, you know?"

"I know."

Tony leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his hands together. "We had a lot in common, father issues, the need to prove ourselves, the need to be with someone even if it's not the one we really want, the one we couldn't have."

Gibbs frowned. "Who did she really want?"

"Some guy named Baker. He was married. She said it was over, but I could tell she was still hung up on him. I tried not to take it personally. I was hoping my charming personality would make her forget, well, eventually."

"She had an affair with a married man?"

"Like that doesn't happen."

"I know it happens. I'm just surprised she told you about it."

"Me, too. We told one another a lot of things, Gibbs, things we probably should've kept to ourselves. I don't think either of us thought of it as settling. It was just comfortable between us. That's not as easy to find as people think."

Gibbs studied Tony for an extra few seconds before he asked, "What did you tell her that you shouldn't have?"

"No offense, Boss, but nothing I want to share with you, not right now anyway."

Reluctantly, Gibbs accepted that. "Okay, fair enough. You need anything, something to drink, your meds?"

Tony rubbed his face with both hands, his voice tight from exhaustion. "I think I'll go upstairs for a while, try to rest."

"Sure. I put a TV and one of those player things in the room for you. You've got some DVDs in the bag, too."

Tony grinned in surprise. "You put a TV in the guestroom just for me?"

"McGee set it up. It's in the master bedroom. I'll sleep down here on the couch."

Amusement gone, Tony shook his head. "I'm not putting you out of your own bed, Gibbs."

"The guestroom has a crap mattress."

"And the sofa's better? What's really going on, Boss?"

"None of your business. Now go upstairs and rest. I'm sure Abby packed something that'll help you sleep."

Letting his questions about the sofa go, Tony nodded. "That girl knows me too well. North by Northwest sounds good right about now." 

"That the one with Cary Grant and all the conspiracies?"

"Right, wrong choice. Maybe The Three Stooges would be better."

As Tony slowly made his way upstairs, he avoided the piercing blue eyes of the man who knew how much Tony hated being used as a patsy. He'd find a way to redeem himself and get payback. He just had to bide his time and show Gibbs and everybody else he could handle himself better than some greenhorn probie.

&&&&&&&

Three hours later and still wide awake, Tony gave up and came back downstairs. He called out, but got no answer. He headed to the basement and found Gibbs at the table carving curly things in some kind of dark wooden post. He had no idea what it was, but it looked pretty. He loved watching Jethro's hands, loved watching how he could build things from practically nothing. "Thought I'd find you here."

"You get any rest?"

"Some."

"As in none."

Tony settled into the chair facing Gibbs across the table and didn't deny the statement. Instead he said, "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the boats."

Gibbs chuckled. "I do, too, sometimes. Other times I wonder how I spent so many years building those things."

"I'm glad you had something."

"What about you, DiNozzo?"

"What about me?"

"What did you have?"

Tony leaned back and crossed his arms. "I had the job, the team, you."

"It's not enough."

"It's been enough for you all these years, well, except for the boats."

"We're not talking about me."

"I thought we were."

"Tony."

"Gibbs." Tony kept his voice steady, his eyes on Gibbs. He'd learned a few tricks over the years, learned a lot from watching Gibbs intimidate and interrogate. He knew when to back down and when to stand his ground. 

Gibbs sat up straight, putting down his carving tool. He took off his reading glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tony, you can't model yourself after me."

"Why not?"

"You know why not."

"Do I?"

"You should. You're not stupid."

Tony bristled, his lips drawn thin around the words. "That's always been a matter up for debate, especially with Agent McSmartypants lately."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do, Boss. Besides, who says I'm modeling myself after you? I don't think anyone would confuse us, do you?" Tony rubbed the back of his head, smoothing down his hair, and grinned. "Silver suits you, but gray is not my color."

"Don't make a joke."

"Why not? It's what I do."

"I know. You do it when you don't want to deal with things."

"What things should I be dealing with, Gibbs? It's not like I got played by the new SecNav or anything as pathetic as that. A few words of praise and I was his bitch from the get go."

"Stop it. You followed orders."

"And then some. Besides, that's secondary to getting dumped and nearly killed because of the woman I thought I loved."

"You loved her?"

"I am capable of loving, Gibbs."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

Gibbs met his angry stare, his blue eyes suddenly incredibly sad. "I do."

"Then you know I'm tired of getting my ass handed to me and my heart stomped."

"I understand."

"I know you do." Tony's voice softened and he glanced away, the fingers of his right hand fiddling with the edge of the table. "When you left for Mexico, you had cheese for brains. Right now, I feel like there's a nice Swiss aging in my head. I still don't remember half of what happened."

"You will."

"Maybe it's best that I don't." Tony asked, "Did you ever remember everything after you got blown up?"

"I remembered what was important. You will, too. It just takes some time."

"You left, Gibbs."

"I had to."

"I know. It still hurt."

"It wasn't my intention."

"You had to do what was right for you. I get that, I do. Just didn't make it any easier knowing it."

"You did a good job while I was gone, Tony. You kept the team together."

"Just a place holder until you got back."

"You were, are, more than that."

"Am I?"

"You're my senior agent."

"Some senior."

"I depend on you, Tony."

"So you said." 

Gibbs hesitated. "Why'd you never take your own team? I know Jenny offered you one."

Sighing heavily, Tony shook his head, not sure why he had to keep defending his decision to anyone but himself. "Guess I like it here. Guess I haven't finished learning what there is to learn yet. Maybe I think I could still do some good. Maybe I'm just not ready."

"You've been more than ready for the last five years."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"I don't feel ready."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to leave yet."

Gibbs pressed harder. "Why, DiNozzo?"

Tony knew they were tiptoeing on dangerous ground, but he was too tried to back down, not when he saw a chance of finally hearing what he needed to hear. 

Looking around, he saw the liquor bottle and got up. He picked up two cups full of nails and emptied them out on the workbench. He brought them along with the bottle of booze back to the table. He poured bourbon into the cups and handed one to Gibbs and kept one for himself. Sitting back down, he sipped his own and then took a deep breath before he said the words out loud. "I don't want to leave you."

"I know."

Tony grinned, but the humor didn't make it to his eyes. "I know you know. That's what makes it so damn hard, you bastard."

Gibbs drained his cup and then poured more. "You shouldn't be drinking with the meds you're on."

"I'll take my chances."

Gibbs nodded in acceptance and then sat back, his cup in his hand, staring at Tony. "I am a bastard. You should know that better than anyone except Duck."

"I keep telling myself that I should leave. I keep thinking it'd be better for both of us. When I was with E.J., I even thought I could do it." Tony swirled the amber liquid and then drank some more. "Deep down I knew I was kidding myself. I can't leave, Jethro. Even when you make it so fucking hard to stay, I can't leave."

Gibbs never took his eyes off of Tony as he confessed. "I don't want you to leave."

"I know." Tony met his gaze. "So where does that leave us?"

"I don't know."

"I thought you knew everything, the All-Knowing Gibbs, the man who has all the answers."

"You want to know about the job, I've got what you need. You want me to tell you how to get through this mess they call living, I'm not your guy." Gibbs leaned his elbows on the table, his expression drawn and sad. "I've been married four times, Tony, and been with a lot more than that, more than I can count. I've hurt a lot of people. I'm not a nice guy behind closed doors."

Tony barked a laugh. "Gibbs, you're not a nice guy anywhere. Don't you think I know that? Besides, I'm not a choirboy myself. I've been with more than enough people to know what I want. I'm sick of the one-night stands, tired of pretending anyone else could ever make me happy."

Shaking his head, still resisting the truth, Gibbs sat back. "You won't find what you're looking for in my basement. So why stick around?"

"Better question. Why do you keep me around?"

"I depend on you, but I've got nothing for you off the job, Tony."

"You sure about that?"

Gibbs poured himself another drink, his third. "I have to be sure."

"Why?"

"Because we can't be like that."

"Like what? We're consenting adults, Jethro. We can be however we want to be."

"You know my rule about that."

"Fuck the rule and fuck you, too, if you think that a rule is more important than doing the right thing."

"The right thing would be to let you go."

"The right thing would be to be together." Tony hesitated before he added, "It's on you now, Jethro. I can't do any more unless you let me. I don't want to leave, but I can't stay much longer, not like this."

"You should leave."

"You want me to leave?"

"No."

"Then do something, goddamn it!. It's been a decade. How much fucking longer do you expect me to wait?"

Gibbs finished his drink, his voice still steady. "I can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I mean I can't. You're too important to risk."

Tony studied him, his brow creased in concentration. After a moment he tilted his head in sudden understanding. The insight smacked him in the head like a hammer blow. "You seriously think I'll be your next divorce?"

Suddenly angry, Gibbs stood up, his hand on the table to steady himself. "You think I'm joking about this? I fuck up every relationship I've ever had."

"Not Shannon."

"You think you're like Shannon?"

"No one will ever be like Shannon. She was your first true love, your soul mate. I know that. I'm not trying to take her place. I couldn't even if I wanted to, which I don't."

"Then what?"

"You're my Shannon, Jethro." Tony paused, swallowing hard, his mouth suddenly dry from the hard truth of his words. "I gave up everything for you and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'm still doing it."

"You had E.J."

"I never had her, not really, and she never had me. It was like Jeanne all over again only this time I was myself, but it didn't help, didn't change things. I was just distracting myself. I get that now."

"I'm sorry, Tony, I really am. I never meant for this to happen."

"Sorry is a sign of weakness, Boss."

Gibbs took three quick steps around the table and stood in front of Tony. He took his face between his hands, his palms rough and calloused. "It's not weakness when you say it for a good reason. I'm not the man you think I am."

"Sure you are, Jethro. I love the man you are. You might be a bastard, but you're the most honest, hard-working, and strongest man I've ever known."

Gibbs's hand cupped Tony's chin and raised it. He leaned in closer, his hot breath against Tony's skin. "We're going to regret this."

"We'll regret it more if we don't."

Tony closed the distance quickly and kissed Jethro hard, the taste of bourbon like fire melting against his tongue. Gibbs pulled back, his voice a husky whisper. "I thought we were smarter than this."

"You thought wrong, Boss." Gibbs smiled and shook his head in surrender and amusement. Tony cupped Jethro's cheek with his hand and met the bluest eyes in the world. "Upstairs?"

"You're the boss, Tony."

"That'll be the day."

&&&&&&&

Tony woke to a hyped up drummer pounding a relentless, offbeat rhythm in his head. He groaned and rolled over, his arm reaching out against the empty space beside him. He opened his eyes and squinted against the too bright light from the window. "Jethro?" When he got no answer, he lifted his head and immediately regretted it. Concussions were no joke, he knew that. It seemed like the more conks to the head, the longer it took for the symptoms to go away. The gazillion headslaps over the years probably didn't help, either. Still, he wouldn't trade a single one, not when he knew what they meant, that it was Gibbs showing affection.

He took a deep breath and remembered the night, recalled his quick release after just a few intimate strokes. He grimaced and knew he needed to apologize for not holding out longer. It was not how he'd pictured their first time together. Still, he'd slept better in Jethro's strong arms than he had in years. He'd do better next time, last longer and return the favor. For the first time in his life, he was fairly confident that there would be a next time. There'd be no one night stands with Leroy Jethro Gibbs. 

Tony took his time sitting up, swinging his legs off the bed, his arms outstretched and braced against the mattress to steady himself until the dizziness passed. His pills and a glass of water were on the nightstand. "Thanks, Boss." He swallowed down the pain meds and got up slowly before he slipped on his discarded jeans and a tee shirt. 

The smell of coffee led him downstairs. He found Gibbs sitting at the table, sipping on some morning brew and reading the paper. He looked up from the news and asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Like road kill." 

"You look it."

"Thanks. Morning to you, too, Boss."

Gibbs chuckled and put down his mug and paper. "After last night, it's Jethro, at least when we're at home."

Tony's face heated before he confessed, "Yeah, okay, except I kind of like calling you Boss, Boss."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." 

Jethro nodded and smiled. "Okay, duly noted. Sit down and I'll fix you some breakfast."

Settling himself at the table, Tony shook his head. "Not hungry."

Gibbs frowned in concern. "Still queasy?"

"Yeah. Worse than yesterday. It'll be okay. I just can't move too fast."

"Don't need to."

Tony closed his eyes tightly, not wanting to say what he had to say next, but forcing the words out. "Listen, Jethro, about last night, I'm sorry."

"Tony, there's nothing to be sorry about."

"Sure there is and I need to say it."

Jethro sat back in his chair, took off his glasses, and crossed his arms. 

"Okay, say it."

"I'm sorry about what happened."

"Don't be."

"How could I not be? I mean, I didn't want the first time to be like that."

"You regret it?"

"No, but I just wish I hadn't been like some school kid who came after the first touch."

Jethro smiled and leaned in, his voice more husky. "I took it as a compliment. Besides, you slept like a baby after that."

Tony blushed scarlet. "I know, but..."

"No buts, Tony." Gibbs reached over and gently touched his forehead, combing back his bangs with his fingertips. "You were exhausted and needed the rest. We'll take our time next time."

"You sure you want there to be a next time?"

"Better believe it." Jethro got up and kissed him, his tongue exploring and hungry. 

When he pulled back, Tony took a deep breath. "Damn. Can't wait for next time. You busy right now?"

Chuckling, Jethro stood straighter and patted Tony's cheek. "You need a shower and a shave and I've got an appointment with Vance and SecNav."

Suddenly sober, Tony frowned. "Jarvis, huh?"

"He's got a few things to answer for."

"You think they'll give us conjugal visits when you go to federal prison for his murder?"

Jethro snorted and finished off his coffee before he answered. "You think I'd get caught?"

Tony made a silly face and shook his head. "I don't know what I was thinking, Boss. Must be the busted skull. That's just crazy talk."

Jethro poured himself another cup of coffee and changed the subject. "When's your appointment with Rachel?"

"Later today, around two."

"I'll be home by then to take you."

"You don't have to do that."

"You don't have a car."

Shocked that he'd forgotten all about his beloved vehicle, Tony asked, "Where is my car exactly?"

"It's at the garage. Don't worry. It's safe."

Relieved, Tony smiled. "Thanks. I can call a cab to go to see Rachel."

"No cab." He sat back down at the table, his eyes meeting Tony's. "I don't want you going anywhere without backup."

Tony squinted as he studied his boss. He saw that tense line just above the brow that most people wouldn't notice, but Tony knew meant Gibbs was worried. "Jethro, what's going on?"

"Stratton."

The light came on and Tony understood. "You think he'll come after me now that my memory is back and I can ID him?"

"He might. We don't know who he really is, not yet."

"But you've got an idea."

"I might. I've also got a protective detail stationed outside. You don't leave or go anywhere alone until we get some answers."

"And if we don't like the answers?"

"Then we ask different questions."

Tony nodded, his jaw tight. He knew he had more than questions for the son of a bitch who'd tried to kill him and he could hardly wait to meet him again. The next time wouldn't be at some ambush in a dark alley, either. Gibbs would help make sure of that.

&&&&&&&

"Tony, Tony, Tony!" Abby came running through the door calling his name and Tony ended up with a whole armful of Sciuto.

"Hey, Abs. Ouch."

She pulled back quickly. "Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"I'm okay." He looked beyond her and saw the dark sedan across the street. "How'd you get past the security guy?"

"Oh, Steve knows me. Besides, Gibbs sent me." She reached up and touched his wounded forehead. "Are you really okay, Tony? Gibbs said you were, but he doesn't always tell the whole story, kind of minimizes so I won't worry, not that it does any good. I always worry about you when you go off on your own little side assignments. I sure wish you'd stop doing that, Tony. It never ends well."

He shut the door and headed back over to the sofa. "I'm fine, Abs. Just a little battered, but okay."

"But you couldn't remember what happened. Gibbs said..."

"Abby, I'm fine. Honest." He patted the cushion beside him. "Have a seat and take a load off. Why'd Gibbs send you?"

She lifted the paper bag she carried with pride. "He didn't actually send me, but he said I could come over and bring you this."

Tony smiled. "You shouldn't have. And it's wrapped so pretty, too."

Abby smile grew even bigger. "It's chicken soup from Sister Willomeena. She makes killer chicken soup. I think it could cure anything, well, just about anything." She put the bag on the coffee table and sat next to Tony, staring at him with her big green eyes before she added softly, "I'm so sorry about E.J., Tony. She was hard to get used to, but after a while I'm sure I would've grown to like her, well, maybe not like her, but get along with her. Okay, I could've learned to co-exist with her without plotting to get her transferred to Greenland."

Tony chuckled. "Admit it, you like everybody eventually, Abby."

"Not everybody. I never liked Chuck."

"Well, considering he framed me for murder and nearly killed you when you found out, I can see why he was a hard sell."

"What a jerk. Anyway, I'm sorry about E.J." Her usually happy features softened as she changed the subject. "Tony, did Gibbs tell you about Cade?"

Remembering that Abby had once dated the man, he fought down a wave of guilt. "He did. I'm sorry Abby. I know you liked him."

"Gibbs said it was Cade you were investigating this whole time. Is that true?"

He swallowed hard. He hated keeping secrets, especially from such a good friend. "I can't talk about the details, Abby, but I had orders."

"Oh, I know. It's just I could've saved you and everybody else a whole lot of trouble if anyone had bothered to ask. There's no way Cade could be a traitor, no way at all. It'd be like you being a traitor and that would never happen."

"Thanks, and I know you believe that about Cade, Abby, but..."

"No buts, mister. Cade was a gentle giant. He'd never turn against his country. He was set up and we're going to prove it."

"I think we already did, Abs. He was just the stalking goat."

"Stalking goat?"

"The bait, a way to get to E.J. and apparently me."

"I know E.J. had the microchip, but I don't understand why they wanted you dead, too, Tony."

"I was just collateral damage."

She edged in closer and put her head on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

He petted her dark hair and closed his eyes. He'd known her for nearly as long as he'd known Gibbs and he loved having her so close, having her be so supportive. "I know."

After a few seconds, she asked, "You want me to warm up the soup? It'll make you feel better."

Tony really wasn't hungry, but he didn't want to turn down his friend's offer. "Soup sounds good, thanks."

Abby got up and took the soup to the kitchen. Tony watched her leave and wondered how he'd gotten so lucky to have such a good friend like Abby Sciuto, the little sister he'd never had.

&&&&&&&

Tony jerked awake, the aftermath of the shooting replaying in his head, his whole body tensed for a fight. 

"You okay?" Jethro spoke quietly as he sat in the corner by the window.

"Shit." Tony swallowed hard, fighting off the fear racing his heart, the intensity like it had just happened. Dozens of memories all collided and left him breathless and feeling out of control. God, he fucking hated nightmares. He sat up and pulled the sheet up to his chest. He rubbed the large bruise on his left shoulder, right over his heart. If he hadn't worn that vest, he'd have been a goner for sure. "How long have you been home?"

"Not long. Thought I'd let you sleep some more before your meeting with the doc."

Tony glanced at the clock and saw he had about an hour before his appointment. He didn't look forward to it. He knew Rachel meant well, shrinks always did, but that didn't mean he had to like the dance. "Thanks." He scrubbed his face with his hands. "And thanks for letting Abby come by."

Gibbs chuckled. "I figured it was probably better than putting her in cuffs."

"Good call."

"McGee and Ziva wanted to come, too, but I thought we'd wait on that until you were a little more steady."

"Right, steady. Not quite there yet." Tony put his shaking hands up under his armpits. He hoped Gibbs wouldn't see his fear, but he knew that was a lost cause. Gibbs saw everything, or at least everything he wanted to see.

"It takes time."

"I know."

"Tony..."

"It's okay. I don't need a pep talk, Boss."

"I wasn't going to give you one."

Tony met Jethro's calm stare. "Really?"

"Really. I was just going to say you should probably get dressed unless you want to give your doctor a cheap thrill."

Tony grinned at the wicked thought of Kate's sister seeing him naked. "She'd probably call me an exhibitionist."

"You are an exhibitionist."

"But she doesn't have to know that."

"I don't think it's a state secret."

Tony sobered. "Speaking of state secrets, what did Jarvis have to say?"

Suddenly serious, Gibbs closed the report he'd been reading and stood up. "Get dressed. We'll talk about it downstairs."

"That bad, huh?"

"Get dressed, Tony." 

As Jethro left, Tony squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know what was worse, being stupid enough to believe Jarvis really thought he was good enough to use on an important mission or knowing that he'd been picked because SecNav thought he was expendable once the job was done. Embarrassed, ashamed, angry, none of those quite covered his feelings. Suddenly chilled, he threw back the sheet and got dressed, hoping Jethro had a better story to tell than the sorry mess playing in his head.

&&&&&&&

"You think Jarvis set me up?"

Gibbs looked up and met his stare. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

Gibbs shrugged before he spoke. "I think he really believed Cade was the traitor. I also think he knew a lot more than he told you. He used you because of your relationship with Barrett."

"He told you that?"

"No, but it was pretty obvious that he expected you to track her down and, through her, find Cade."

Still confused, Tony shook his head. "I don't get it. If it wasn't SecNav, who set Cade up?"

Gibbs didn't answer right away. Instead he stood up and pulled Tony into a hug. "We'll figure it out."

Sighing deeply, Tony relaxed in Jethro's arms, resting his head on his shoulder. "I hope so."

"We won't stop until we do." Jethro whispered the words and then kissed the side of Tony's cheek. "We'll catch the bastard who did this. I promise."

Tony didn't answer with words, but with a kiss, light at first, but then deepening. He pulled back and stared into Jethro's blue eyes. "Sweet talker."

Gibbs smiled and kissed Tony again before he released him from the hug. "We should get going." 

"Jethro..."

Heading to the door, Gibbs stopped and turned. "What?"

"Do you think I should tell Rachel about us?"

He stepped closer again, meeting Tony's gaze. "You want to?"

"I don't know. I wanted to know what you thought about it first." Anxiety turned his stomach, not sure what answer he really wanted to hear.

"I think you should tell her if it's something important to you."

"Important? Are you kidding? You're the most important thing that's ever happened to me."

Gibbs smiled, his eyes twinkling. "Then you should tell her. You could also ask for hints about how we tell the others."

Tony leaned back against the kitchen counter, his mind reeling with the idea of telling his teammates about the two of them and the possible aftermath. He knew Abby would be fine with it, but he really had no idea about Tim or Ziva. Tim would likely be okay with it once it sunk in, but Ziva was a different story. That was a lot more complicated.

"DiNozzo?"

Tony attention snapped back to reality. "What?"

"You're thinking too hard. Let's just go. We'll work it out. It'll be okay."

"You believe that?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Of course not, Boss. Let's go." Tony nodded, accepting Jethro's word as truth, knowing full well that it wasn't going to be easy, but it wasn't impossible, either. 

 

&&&&&&&

"The way I see it, I'm like Bogie playing Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon, made in 1941, a great film, a classic and one of the best."

"You see yourself as a hero?"

"Yeah, maybe, who doesn't? I try to be the good guy, try to do what's right, help the innocent."

Rachel sat back as she studied him. "And who was the innocent in this scenario, Tony?"

"Well, it wasn't E.J., though she wasn't as conniving as Brigid O'Shaughnessy played by Mary Astor in the film. No, she wasn't like that, but she wasn't completely innocent, either. No, I'd say it was Cade."

Tony leaned forward, his hands together, his elbows resting on his knees. "I guess that makes SecNav Sydney Greenstreet, the heavy, the guy who wanted the falcon or in this case the microchip." He was glad that Rachel had a high enough security clearance and he could tell her the story. Saying it out loud helped clear the murky mess in his head.

"If I remember, the Greenstreet character was willing to kill for the Maltese Falcon."

"Yeah. I was just the fall guy, the one who got sent out to find the treasure, which included tracking down Cade, and I got caught in the crossfire. I was expendable. Still am."

"How's that make you feel?"

Tony choked back a laugh, the sound harsh in his throat. He stood up and walked to her office window, nervously rubbing the hair on the back of his head with his right hand. "How do you think it makes me feel?"

"I asked you. You say you were the fall guy. How does that make you feel about your bosses? Are you going to able to trust them and work with them again?"

Still not looking at Rachel, he took a deep breath. "I love my job."

"That wasn't the question."

"I love my job and I love my country. I'll do what I have to do to keep protecting people."

"Even if it means working with people you feel deliberately sent you into danger?"

He snorted. "Like that's something new? I go into danger everyday."

"This was different."

"Yes, it was. I didn't have my team with me this time. My bad. It won't happen again."

"How can you be sure? What if SecNav wants you to do another mission, one that you have to do alone?"

Frowning, Tony turned and stared at his doctor. "What do you want me to say? What do I have to say to go back to work?"

"The truth, Tony."

He shook his head, the tension making his neck muscles tight and achy. "I don't know. I'd like to say I'd say no, that I wouldn't do the secret mission thing again."

"But?"

"But SecNav is the big cheese, the guy who can tell me to do it or go take a hike. That means no more NCIS, probably no more federal job."

"And what would you do then?"

"I have no clue. I only want to be at NCIS, be with my team, to be with Gibbs."

Rachel put down her paper and pen as she studied him closer. "What if Gibbs left again like he did when he went to Mexico?"

Tony hesitated several seconds and then moved to sit back down on the sofa. He wasn't quite sure how to say what he wanted to say, not quite sure how Rachel would react. "Gibbs isn't going anywhere. Mike, his best friend, died, so there's no reason for him to go to Mexico. His family is here now."

"I thought his father lived in Stillwater."

"I meant his NCIS family. I meant me."

"Ah."

He tilted his head in annoyance. It wasn't the word, but the tone. "Ah? What does that mean, ah?"

"When you say you're his family, do you see Gibbs as a father figure?"

Tony snorted a laugh. "No, not hardly."

"Then how do you see him?" Her voice softened. "He's your boss but what else is he to you, Tony?"

"He's everything to me." When she didn't answer right away, he looked over and saw her watching him for clues. She looked like a cop. Tony stared back. He was used to cops, cops he could deal with, even a shrink cop. "What? Is that so surprising?"

"No, not really." She smiled and added, "Kate mentioned how she couldn't tell if it was admiration or a crush, that you watched him like you were fascinated by him. She said you were obsessive when it came to Gibbs."

"She said that, obsessive, that exact word?"

"She did."

Tony accepted that maybe Kate had known more about his feelings than he gave her credit for. He realized just how much he regretted losing his partner. He nodded as he confirmed her statement. "I was, I am. Kate was pretty smart."

"She was."

"I still miss her."

"I do, too. She was my sister."

"She was a good person and a great agent."

"Now, you're deflecting. Tell me, does Gibbs know how you feel?"

"Gibbs knows."

She cocked her head in surprise. "You two have spoken about it?"

Tony hesitated and then asked, "Before I answer that, I have to know, everything we say here is private, right?"

"Unless you tell me something that might lead me to believe you would harm yourself or others, what you say is private. I only give a report on my evaluation of your mental health and fitness. Nobody knows the details except me."

"Good, because, yes, Gibbs and I have spoken about it."

"And?"

"And I'm thinking we're breaking rule 12."

"Rule 12? Kate mentioned Gibbs's rules. Is that the one about not dating a coworker?"

"Good memory there, Doc, and, yeah, it is."

"But, Tony, Gibbs is more than a coworker. He's your boss, your immediate superior."

"Way to state the obvious." He stopped grinning and grew more serious. He wanted her to truly understand and believe what he said. "It won't change how we work together."

"How can it not?"

"It won't. I've loved him from the beginning and it hasn't made a difference in how we do the job."

"Love? You love Gibbs?"

"What did you think I was talking about, Doc, a fling, a quickie in the elevator? I've loved him for years. I just wasn't sure how he felt about me. Now, I know. But, I swear to you, it won't make a difference in how we behave as federal agents."

She opened her mouth, then closed it. After a few seconds, she finally spoke. "I have to tell you that I'm a little surprised at the timing."

"You think it was the near death experience that made us finally stop being knuckleheads?"

"Something like that." 

"Yeah, you might have a point. Nearly dying does that sometimes, makes a guy realize how fast it can be taken away, makes a guy finally decide to grab the brass ring before it's too late."

She cleared her throat, obviously not convinced that it was a good move. "Neither of you have any recorded history of same sex partners, Tony. How can you be sure this isn't just a reaction to that event?"

"Because it's not. And just because there's no record doesn't mean I haven't been with other guys. I don't know about Gibbs. He hasn't said, but I'm pretty sure I'm not his first guy, either. The point is this isn't just some phase where we check out the other team for a while. I love him. I have from the beginning."

"But there have been plenty of women between then and now. Why now?"

"Why not now? Ten years is a long time to wait, Doc. I'm tired of waiting. He is, too."

"So, what are your plans? I take it you still intend to work together at NCIS?"

"As long as possible."

"And if it's not possible?"

Tony sat back and crossed his arms, hugging his chest. "Then we'll work it out. I'm not giving him up. I love NCIS, but I love Gibbs more."

Nodding, she smiled in acceptance. "That's good to know, Tony, and I'm happy for you."

"Thanks."

"However..."

"Here we go." Tony rolled his eyes, his jaw tight.

"I was just going to say, it's not going to be easy, but I'll do whatever I can to help you."

"Yeah?" He relaxed, suddenly hopeful.

"Yes."

"You can start by clearing me to go back to work."

"On one condition."

"What's that?"

"Tell me how you're going to work for Secretary Jarvis after what's happened?"

"I'll work with him the same way I always have with the other backstabbing, two-faced assholes, with Gibbs and my team watching my back."

"So you don't trust him?"

"Not as far as I could pitch him, but I haven't trusted many of the people in charge. I can still do the job."

"Trust is a big issue with you then?"

"When it means I get shot in the head if I trust the wrong person, yeah."

"Trust is a hard thing to master."

Impatient, Tony leaned forward. "I trust Gibbs and my team. Now, am I cleared or not?"

Pursing her lips, she hesitated, but then smiled. "You can go back Monday if the other doctors clear you."

"Thanks." He held up a finger. "One more thing. Any suggestions on telling my friends that I'm dating the boss?"

She didn't hesitate before she answered. "Just trust them with the truth and it'll work out."

Nodding, he stood up and decided he was in no rush to let the cat out of the bag. He wanted to keep Gibbs and their secret to himself just a little while longer, well as long as they could considering they both worked with trained investigators. 

&&&&&&&

Tony sat with his head resting on Jethro's chest watching the end of Witness. He took a deep breath and whispered, "Man, I love this movie, well, except for the ending. The ending sucks."

"They're from different worlds, Tony. You know from the beginning it can't work out."

Tony sat up and pulled away, staring at Gibbs. "So what. You saying they couldn't make it work if they really wanted it to?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, the ending is realistic."

"Realism is overrated."

His voice lowered, Gibbs smiled and then teased the fringe of Tony's bangs with his fingertips. "Life isn't a movie, Tony."

"I know that, I do. It's just, I want the happy ending, Jethro. I want the happily ever after before the final credits roll." He captured Jethro's hand with his own, kissing the palm before he whispered, "Is that too much to ask?"

"I hope not."

Tony grinned. "And I don't want my love life to be gag reel at the end, either."

Jethro chuckled, his laugh throaty and deep. Tony's crotch woke up and took notice, his body heating up. "I don't want that, either, Tony."

"How about we take this upstairs, do it right this time?"

"There is no wrong way to do this."

Tony met Jethro's blue stare. "Let me rephrase. Let's go upstairs and do it so that I stay awake this time."

"We should probably talk first."

"Way to kill the mood, Boss."

"I just want to protect you. We need a plan."

"I know, but we can protect each other, and we'll have the team to watch our backs, too." Tony kissed Jethro again. He pulled away, his voice suddenly breathy. "We can deal with it all later. I want to go upstairs now."

Jethro stood up and held out his hand, a smile lighting up his face. He teased, "You're so impatient."

"I don't know, Boss, seems to me if I were impatient, I would've been gone by now." Tony held out his arm and took Jethro's hand. "But I'm still here."

Jethro pulled him into his arms before they kissed, Tony's desire growing, his body on fire with anticipation. "Then I guess we should make up for lost time." 

"Amen to that, Jethro, amen to that." Tony grinned as he thought to himself, ten years down, a lifetime to go.

The End


End file.
